December 21, 2011

Do as I Say - Not as I Do...

The other night I made stir fry for dinner.  When we sat down for dinner, my son Connor took one look at all the vegetables and started complaining.

Connor:  “Oh my God Dad!  This looks so gross.  I can’t eat this – I hate all these vegetables!”

Before I could say anything, Sammi jumped to my defense.

Sammi:  “Connor, that is just rude!  Daddy works very hard to make us dinner!  You didn’t even try it before you started complaining!”

Much to my surprise, Connor didn’t argue with his sister. He actually picked up his fork and started eating.

I looked over at Sammi and smiled.

Me:  “Wow.  Thanks Sam.  Now how much stir fry would you like?”

Sammi:  “Oh, I’m not having any stir fry tonight.”

Me:  “What?  Why not?”

Sammi leaned in to me and whispered:  “I’m sorry Daddy - I got Connor to eat that stuff, but it just looks too disgusting for me – I’ll just have a jelly sandwich.”

December 15, 2011

Upside Down Waffles!

Sometimes it seems like Sammi loves to argue about anything.  This morning I was toasting frozen waffles for the kids’ breakfast…

Sammi:  “Why did you put the butter and syrup on the wrong side of my waffle?”

Me:  “What?”

Sammi:  “You put the butter and syrup on the wrong side of my waffle.  Why?”

Me:  “It’s not on the wrong side.”

Sammi:  “Yes it is.    

Me:  “How do you know that it’s the wrong side?”

Sammi:  “Because it’s upside down.”

Me:  “It can’t be upside down – the waffle is the same on both sides.”

Sammi:  “No it’s not – it’s upside down.”

Me:  “Okay, that’s just silly.  Eat your breakfast.”

Sammi:  “But I don’t like my waffles upside down.  I like them right-side up."

I reached over to her plate and flipped the waffle over.

Me:  “There!  Now it’s right-side up!”

Sammi:  “But Daddy!  Now my butter and syrup are on the wrong side…”

Me:  “Samantha Nicole, it is WAY too early to argue about this!”

Sammi:  “But my waffle is…”

Me:  “I do NOT want to hear another word about your waffle - PLEASE just eat your breakfast!!!”

At that time, my son Connor came shuffling into the kitchen and sat down for breakfast.

Connor:  “Good morning guys.”

Sammi leaned over to her brother and whispered very loudly while looking over at me and giving me a 'look':  “Connor, whatever you do, don’t say anything about the waffles being upside down to Daddy - he's a little grouchy this morning…

Upside-Down Waffles...

December 13, 2011

What Part of 'No' Don't You Understand?

Sammi:  "Can I play with my Easy-Bake oven?"

Me:  "No honey.  It's too late."

Sammi:  "Please..."

Me:  "No Sammi.  It's time to go take your bath and get ready for bed."

Sammi:  "Pleeeeease..."

Me:  "No - now stop asking!"

Sammi:  "Puh-leeeeeeeze Daddy..."

Me:  "What part of 'No' don't you understand?!?"

Sammi (with a grin):  "The ‘Nnnn’ part."

Me:  "What?"

Sammi:  "You asked me what part of 'No' don’t I understand?  I don't understand the 'Nnnn' part.  I only understand the 'Oh' part."

Me:  "The 'Oh' part???"

Sammi:  "Yeah the 'Oh' part - like, 'Oh Sammi - it's Oh-kay if you stay up late and play with your Easy-Bake oven…”

She sure makes it hard to get mad at her.

December 6, 2011

Sick Girl

Recently, Sammi was very sick and we found ourselves spending a few looong nights in the local Emergency Room.  On our last night in the hospital, it was well after midnight; Sammi was laying in the hospital bed - one of her little arms had an IV in it, the other had bandages where the nurses had drawn blood.  I looked over at her from my chair next to her bed and she had finally fallen asleep.  I was very weary, so I propped my feet up and leaned over to share her pillow and drifted off to sleep myself...
The next thing I remember, I was groggily awakened out of a deep sleep.  Sammi's face was just a few inches from mine.

Sammi:  "Dad... Daddy... "  

Me:  "Wha-what?"

Sammi:  "Daddy, wake up!"

Me:  "Are you okay?!?"

Sammi:  "Yeah I'm okay.  Daddy, guess what?"

Me (yawning):  "What Sweetie?"

Sammi:  "Did you know if your hand is larger than your face, you're highly intelligent?"

Me (still very groggy):  "What?"

Sammi:  "If your hand is larger than your face, you're highly intelligent. Did you know that?"

Me:  "Really?"

Sammi:  "Yeah, try it."

Sleepily I raised my hand and put it in front of my face - just in time to see her eyes light up followed by her hitting the back of my hand as hard as she could, making me slap myself in the face.

Sammi (giggling):  "I guess you're not that intelligent."

It was then that I realized that she had turned the corner and was getting better.  She was still pale and a little frail, but the spark was back...

  Sammi getting ready to get the heck outta the hospital.

December 2, 2011

Child Proof

I was cooking breakfast this morning for my kids while they were getting ready for school.

Sammi:  "I'm ready Daddy.  Can I help you?"

Me:  "Sure!  Open the bottle of vitamins and put a vitamin pill by everyone's plate."

Sammi struggled to open the bottle for a few minutes before giving up.

Sammi (frustrated):  "I can't open this!"

Me:  "I'm sorry honey let me get that for you.  I forgot that it's a 'child-proof' bottle."

Sammi:  "Child-proof bottle?"

Me:  "Yep."

Sammi was quiet for a few seconds and I could see her wheels turning.

Sammi:  "So how does the bottle know that I'm a child?"

November 24, 2011

No Meat!!!

I was making dinner one night when Sammi came into the kitchen, looked in the frying pan and wrinkled her nose.

Sammi:  "Eww...  What's that?"

Me:  "Fried chicken."

Sammi:  "It's not made out of animals is it?"

Me:  "Uhhh, why do you ask?"

Sammi:  "Connor told me that meat comes from dead animals and I do NOT want to eat dead animals.  I want the meat without animals in it."

Me:  "Well sweetie, it's fried chicken - it's a chicken..."

Sammi (disgusted):  "So you mean that someone KILLED that chicken and now you're COOKING it and expect me to EAT it???  No.  I am not eating that!!!"

Me:  "But you love chicken..."

Sammi (stomping her foot on the ground):  "Not if it's made out of real chickens I don't."

That night, my boys and I ate fried chicken for dinner while Sammi enjoyed a nice 'chicken-less' salad.

November 17, 2011

The Pink Aisle

I took Sammi to Wal-Mart recently to buy a toy for her as a reward for helping me around the house.  We immediately found ourselves in the 'pink aisle' that was filled with baby dolls, Barbies, toy kitchens, Easy Bake Ovens...  I even saw toy vacuums and toy ironing boards.  After walking up and down the row a few times Sammi couldn't make up her mind.

Sammi:  "I've already got Barbies.  This row is kinda boring. Let’s go to the other row."

We went down another aisle that had toy cars, swords, action figures and Lego’s. 

Connor (Sammi's brother):  "This is a 'boy row’ - you can't get any of these toys..."

Sammi:  "Boy row?  That's not fair!  Just because I'm a girl I have to get a doll or a stupid toy vacuum?!?  Why can't I get a sword or a racecar if I want?  That's racist!!!"

After quickly explaining to her the difference between racism and sexism, I started thinking about the crazy way that the corporate world markets toys to kids and their parents.  They are reinforcing specific gender roles for children:  babies and 'homemaker' toys for girls and building sets, microscopes and sports for boys.  I instantly became as outraged as my daughter. 

Me:  "You're right honey that is stupid.  You can get a toy from any aisle that you want."

Sammi smiled and spent a few minutes looking at the Lego’s and the toy cars.  Eventually though, she made her way back to the pink aisle and settled on a baby doll after all... 

Oh well, at least she knows now that she never has to settle for the 'pink aisle' if she doesn't want to - it's her choice. 

I think for Christmas this year, I'll get her a remote-controlled car.

November 14, 2011

Zombie Attack!!!

I was wrestling with my two sons on the living room floor the other day when Sammi came staggering into the room stiff-legged, groaning with her arms out in front of her with a weird, vacant look on her face.

Me:  "What's wrong with you Sam?"

Sammi:  "I'm a ZOMBIE!!!  I need BRRRRAINSSS!!!"

She stumbled over to one of her brothers and pretended to eat his brains while he gave a death-scene performance worthy of an Academy Award. 

She then shuffled over to me, grabbed my head, then stopped suddenly - shook my head - looked in my ear - knocked on my skull a couple of times and then shrugged and staggered away.

Me:  "What?  You don't want to eat my brains?"

Sammi:  "You don't have any BRRRRAINSSS..."

She then lurched for her other brother leaving her poor 'brainless' Dad sitting there on the floor - un-zombified...

November 7, 2011


Sammi came bursting through the door after school one day with big news.

Sammi:  "Guess what Daddy???  A girl in my school got crunches!"

Me:  "She got what?"

Sammi:  "Crunches."

Me:  "What are crunches?"

Sammi (rolling her eyes):  "She fell off the monkey bars at recess and broke her leg so now she needs crunches to walk."

Me:  "Ohhh... You mean crutches."

Sammi (exasperated):  "No! I mean crunches!"

Me:  "Oh, okay - calm down.  Why do they call them crunches?"

Sammi (sighing):  "Because, that's the sound your bone makes when it breaks... Duh."

November 1, 2011


I was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work one day - shaving and brushing my hair.  Sammi was sitting next to me on the edge of the bathtub watching me.

Me:  "So how do I look?"

Sammi:  "I guess you look okay."

Me:  "Okay?  You don't think I look handsome?"

Sammi silently looked at me for a few minutes.

Sammi (with a twinkle in her eye):  "I bet if an old lady who never had a husband or a boyfriend saw you she might think you were just a tiny bit handsome."

Me (pretending to be outraged):  “An old lady?!?”

Sammi:  “Yeah, or if a blind lady has an operation and can suddenly see again and you are the first person she ever sees – then she might think you aren’t too ugly.”

Me:  “A blind lady?!?”

Sammi:  “Or maybe a lady hobo…”

October 27, 2011

Stars (for Sammi)

I posted this poem on my other blog, but I like how it turned out so I thought I'd share it with you here as well...

“We live beneath the stars.”
Father always said.
As he kissed me goodnight
and tucked me into bed.

“They watch down over us
as we sleep and as we dream.”
“Flowing through the night sky
like water in a stream.”

“But why?” asked I.

“Can’t I reach up
into the night and feel?”
“I want to hold them in my hands
so I know that they are real.”

“I want to grab the stars and clutch
 so tightly on to them.”
“Like they were a precious rock,
or a sparkly gem…”

“Silly girl,” Father said
as he smiled down at me.
“You cannot collect the stars
like pretty shells from the sea.”

“Now hush my precious little girl,
not another peep.”
“Lay your head down and close your eyes
it is time for you to sleep.”

After Father had left
and turned off all the lights -
came a glow from under my pillow
so brilliant and so white.

A star I had grabbed earlier,
lay twinkling on my bed.
I smiled - then slept
with it tucked underneath my head.

October 26, 2011


I was at the mall recently with Sammi and we stopped at the 'food court' to get some lunch.  While we were sitting there eating, she dropped some of her french fries on the ground.  She immediately bent over, picked them up and popped a couple of them in her mouth.

Me:  "Oh gross!  Did you just eat those fries off of the floor?!?"

Sammi:  "Yep."

Me:  "That's disgusting!  Why would you eat food off of the ground like that?"

Sammi:  "Five second rule - duh."

Me:  "Sammi, the five second rule isn't real.  You should never eat food off of the ground."

Sammi:  "Why not?  The floor isn't dirty."

Me:  "Because it's covered with germs!!!"

Sammi shrugged, popped a few more of the 'contaminated' fries into her mouth and said:  "I can't taste any germs..."

October 24, 2011

The T-Rex

The other day I overheard an argument Sammi was having with her big brother about dinosaurs.  I really should have stopped it sooner, but I was amazed at how Sammi seamlessly took control over the argument. 

Sammi:  "Can I look at your book with you?"

Connor:  "No.  It's a book about dinosaurs - girls don't know anything about dinosaurs."

Sammi:  "That's not true!  I know a lot about dinosaurs!"

Connor:  "Okay then, tell me about the Triceratops."

Sammi:  "That's the one with the long neck."

Connor:  "WRONG!  What about the Tyrannosaurus Rex???"

Sammi:  "That's the one with short arms."

Connor:  "No.  The T-Rex is the king of all the dinosaurs!"

Sammi (with a sparkle in her eye):  "He also had very short arms."

Connor:  "Yeah but he was the scariest, most ferocious dinosaur ever!"

Sammi:  "Doesn't seem very scary to me with those short little arms."

Connor (getting frustrated):  "Yeah but..."

Sammi:  "How did he brush his teeth with those short little arms?"

Connor (outraged):  "T-Rex didn't brush his teeth!!!"

Sammi:  "That's because he couldn't reach his teeth with his stubby little arms."

Connor:  "Oh my gosh!"

Sammi (mimicking a T-Rex with short arms):  "Help me!  I'm a T-Rex and I can't brush my teeth!"

Connor:  "Dad!  Please make Sammi stop teasing me!"

Me:  "Come on Sam, cut it out."

Sammi (sweetly):  "Okay Daddy." 

As she walked out of the room, she shot her brother a "look" and said:  "Maybe the T-Rex was so mean because his teeth were all rotten because he couldn't brush them with his short, stubby arms..."

<Sigh> My daughter holds a black belt in the ancient martial art known as 'teasing'.

              "Help me, I can't brush my teeth!"

October 18, 2011


One night a couple of months ago, Sammi got the flu and was very sick.  At one point during the night, she got out of bed, walked down the hall (past the bathroom), and then into my bedroom.

Sammi:  "Daddy, I have to throw up."

I jumped out of bed and scooped her up to try and get her to the bathroom, but was too late - she puked all over herself and all over me.

Sammi (crying):  "I'm sorry Daddy!"

Me:  "It's okay honey - let's get you cleaned up."

I took her clothes off and put her in a warm bath to clean her up.  I cleaned myself up the best I could as well.  I then laid Sammi down in bed and was tucking her back in.

Sammi:  "Thanks for taking care of me Daddy."

Me:  "No problem sweetie."

Sammi:  "Do you mind if I don't give you a hug and kiss goodnight?"

Me:  "Don't worry Sammi; I'm not going to get the flu."

Sammi:  "It's not that, it's just that you smell like puke."

Me:  "Oh..."

Sammi:  "Yeah, you really stink.  You've also got a piece of corn in your hair..."

Me:  "I guess I better go get washed up then."

Sammi:  "Thanks Daddy.  You were starting to gross out all my stuffed animals."

October 13, 2011

The Super Secret Diary

I was sitting down in the kitchen the other day when Sammi came stomping into the room with her big brother not far behind.

Sammi (outraged):  "Daddy!  I caught Forrest reading my diary!!!"

Me:  "You have a diary?"

Sammi (seemingly close to tears):  "Yes and it has all my personal secrets in it - and he snuck in my room and read it!!!"

Me:  "You have secrets?!?"

Sammi:  "Yes I have secrets!!!  They are all in here!!!"

I looked at the "diary" in her hand - several pieces of construction paper stapled together.  On the cover, handwritten in crayon it read:  


Me:  "Forrest, did you sneak in Sammi's room and read her diary?"

Forrest:  "Yeah.  I'm sorry."

Me:  "Don't tell me - tell your sister!"

Forrest:  "I'm sorry Sammi.  It won't happen again."

Me:  "That was an invasion of your sister's privacy.  Now go to your room until I tell you to come out and think about what you did."

After her brother dejectedly left the room, Sammi started smiling.

Sammi:  "Thank you Daddy!  That'll teach him!"

Me:  "You don't seem sad anymore..."

Sammi:  "Well, it's not like he read my real diary."

Me:  "Real diary???"

Sammi:  "Yeah.  This isn't my real diary - it's a fake!  It has fake secrets in it.  My real diary has all my real secrets in it and no one will ever find that one."

With that she skipped out of the room - happy as a clam. 

I'm really going to have to watch her when she becomes a teenager...

October 6, 2011

Bedtime Kisses

The other night Sammi came shuffling into the living room about an hour and a half after I had put her to bed.

Me:  "Hey kiddo, why are you out of bed?"

Sammi:  "I couldn't sleep."

Me:  "What's wrong?"

Sammi:  "I wanted to blow you a kiss - is that okay Daddy?"

Me (smiling):  "Ahhh...  That's so sweet honey.  Sure it's okay!"

Sammi then turned her back to me and let out the loudest most disgusting fart that I've ever heard coming out of any human - let alone my 6 year old angel.

Sammi:  "There you go Daddy - I blew you a kiss!"

With that she ran back to her bedroom laughing uncontrollably.

October 3, 2011

Revenge of the 'Kung Fu Princess'

I was downstairs doing laundry the other day.  Sammi was upstairs playing quietly with her older brother Connor.  Suddenly from upstairs, I heard the kids loudly arguing followed by Connor crying and running downstairs.

Connor:  "Dad, Sammi hit me in the head with her doll!"

Me:  "Samantha!  Come down here!"

Sammi sheepishly walks down the stairs.

Sammi:  "Yes Daddy?"

Me:  "Did you wack your brother in the head with a doll?"

Sammi:  "No.  I hit him with Princess Jasmine."

Me (sighing):  "Why did you hit your brother in the head with Princess Jasmine???"

Sammi:  "I told him I was the Kung Fu Princess, and he said that I wasn't.  I told him 'yes I was', and then he said that I could never defeat him."

Me:  "So you hit him in the head with your doll?"

Sammi:  "Princess Jasmine"

Me:  "So you hit him in the head with Princess Jasmine?"

Sammi:  "Well I am the Kung Fu Princess."

After being put in time out, the Kung Fu Princess learned a valuable lesson that every Kung Fu master must learn eventually:  Choose your battles wisely and if you must hit your big brother in the face, make sure 'Sensei-Daddy' isn't around...

September 29, 2011

Stranger Danger

Recently I was trying to talk to Sammi about strangers while she sat at the table coloring a picture.

Me:  "So, do you ever talk to strangers when you're not with one of your parents?"

Sammi:  "Nope.  NEVER talk to strangers."

Me:  "Okay then - what if an old man comes up and asks you to help him find his lost puppy - do you help him?"

Sammi:  "Yes."

Me:  "Sammi!  No - that's a stranger - you shouldn't talk to strangers!"

Sammi:  "An old man looking for a puppy isn't a stranger."

Me:  "If you don't know who he is..."

Sammi (interrupting):  "Daddy, his puppy is lost!  Poor little puppy."

Me:  "But..."

Sammi:  "What if you had a cute little puppy that was lost and nobody would help you find him?  Poor little cute puppy!"

Me:  "But I'm not a stranger!"

Sammi:  "Exactly!"

Me (trying to regain control of the conversation):  "Okay Sammi, can you tell me what a 'stranger' looks like then?"

Sammi:  "Sure.  Strangers look like pirates."

  "Arrr!  I be a stranger Matey!"

September 26, 2011


Sammi:  "Daddy, did you know that my name, Samantha, has 3 different nicknames?"

Me:  "Really?"

Sammi:  "Yep.  There's 'Sam', 'Sammi' and 'Kung Fu Princess'..."

September 22, 2011

Little Pink Monkey (Part 2)

Last week I was getting Sammi ready for school and I noticed that her backpack looked really full.  I picked up the backpack and opened it.  Besides her school papers and Little Pink Monkey (of course), the backpack contained several extra school snacks, a deck of cards, a stuffed bunny, several story books and an extra pair of Sammi's shoes.

Me:  "Uhhh...  Sammi, do you want to come here and explain all this stuff in your backpack?"

Sammi (looking in her backpack like she doesn't see anything out of the ordinary): "What do you mean?"

Me:  "What do I mean?  What is all this stuff?  Look, you've got tons of extra fruit snacks in here and..."

Sammi:  "Well I had to bring all the extra fruit snacks because Little Pink Monkey had been getting very hungry in the backpack so he was sneaking out during snack time at school and taking everyone's snacks."

Me:  "I guess that makes sense.  We don't want him starving or taking other people's snacks.  But why are you bringing the bunny?"

Sammi:  "I had to bring Bunny because Little Pink Monkey was getting really lonely all by himself in the backpack - besides, he couldn't play cards all by himself."

Me (trying to keep a straight face):  "Okay, I understand the snacks and the bunny and the cards.  I'm guessing the books are for both of them to read in the backpack..."

Sammi (interrupting): "Yeah, if they don't have books to read, they sneak out at recess and go crazy."

Me:  "So what's the deal with the shoes?"

Sammi:  "I just love those sandals and I'm going to wear them at Grandma's house after she picks me up from school today."

Me:  "Ohhh...  I thought that they had something to do with Little Pink Monkey too."

Sammi:  "Well - he has been sneaking out and nibbling on everyone's shoes in class during reading time, so I also brought the extra shoes in case he might want to nibble on them instead."

My daughter seems to have turned into a little girl version of Calvin and Hobbes.

            Sammi and 'Little Pink Monkey'

September 21, 2011

Little Pink Monkey (Part 1)

Sammi has a little stuffed pink monkey aptly named 'Little Pink Monkey'.  According to Sammi, Little Pink Monkey is her best friend and he (yes, Little Pink Monkey is a boy) goes everywhere with her.
On Sammi's second week of school this year, I noticed that she was packing Little Pink Monkey in her backpack in order to take him to school with her.  She was zipping the backpack up - carefully making sure to keep the monkey's head out. 

Me:  "Why are you taking that toy to school with you?"

Sammi:  "That toy?!?"

Me:  "Sorry.  Why are you bringing Little Pink Monkey to school with you?"

Sammi:  "Because he gets so lonely all by himself here at home.  He misses me too much."

Me:  "Doesn't your teacher mind?"

Sammi:  "Nope.  She thinks he is adorable.  But he has to stay in the backpack now because yesterday he went to recess with me and went crazy.  The recess monitor really doesn’t like monkeys going crazy at recess.”

Me (winking):  “Okay, I guess you can bring him with you – just don’t let him go crazy at recess.”

Sammi:  “I won’t Daddy.”

Me:  “By the way – why do you have his head hanging out of the backpack like that?”

Sammi:  “So he can breathe…  Duh!”

September 20, 2011

Love Levels

Sammi came home from school the other day looking very blue.

Me:  "What's wrong Sammi?"

Sammi:  "I don't know - I feel sad and think I need to cry."

Me:  "Come here kiddo."

I picked Sammi up and she buried her face in my chest and cried for several minutes. I just held her and let her cry.  When she was finished. she wiped her red-rimmed eyes and smiled at me.

Sammi:  "I'm all better now Daddy."

Me:  "What was bothering you?"

Sammi:  "I think my 'love levels' were too low and I just needed to fill them back up.  Thanks Daddy!"

With that she turned around and skipped out of the room.

What she didn't realize is that she filled my love levels up too.

September 16, 2011

The Gym

Sammi:  "Daddy, why don't you go to the gym anymore?  You used to go there every day."

Me:  "Well, I've been really busy lately honey and I just haven't had the time."

Sammi looked at me for a minute and then reached up and patted my stomach.

Sammi:  "I think you better start making time..."

Me (chuckling):  "So, do you think Daddy's getting a little chubby?"

Sammi:  "Uhhh...  Let's just say that you just really need to try and make time to go back to the gym."

September 12, 2011


A couple of weeks ago, I took Sammi to the mall to get some new school clothes.

Me:  "Here try these pants on."

Sammi:  "These won't fit - they're size seven.  I don't turn seven until my birthday in October."

Me:  "The sizes aren't the same as your age honey.  Just go try them on."

Sammi (rolling her eyes):  "Daddy you don't know about these things because you're not a girl, but when I turned six, I wore a size six.  When I was five, I wore a size five.  So I won't wear size seven until after my birthday in October."

Me:  "Well the size six didn't fit over your bum, so please go try on the seven."

She tried on the pants and found that they actually did fit.  After we purchased all of her clothes, Sammi and I went to the food court to grab a bite to eat.  During lunch, I noticed that she was being very quiet.

Me:  "What's wrong Sam?  You don't like your food?"

Sammi:  "It’s not that...” 

Me:  “Well what’s wrong then?”

Sammi:  “I just don't get it Daddy.  How can my butt be seven when I’m still just six?"

Me:  "I guess that's one of those mysteries that we'll never figure out honey."

September 6, 2011

Very Yucky!

Sammi:  "What are you making for dinner Daddy?"

Me:  "Teriaki chicken."

Sammi (looking confused):  "What did you say you're making?"

Me (enunciating):  "Teri-aki chicken."

Sammi:  "Really???"

Me:  "Yep."

A few minutes later I heard Sammi talking to her brother.

Sammi:  "Guess what?!?  Daddy said he's making Very-Yucky Chicken for dinner tonight..."

September 1, 2011

The Worst Thing Ever.

I came home from work one day and Sammi met me at the door with a terrible look on her face.

Me:  "Hey pumpkin, what's wrong?"

Sammi:  “Daddy, something very, very horrible happened to me today.”

Me (worried):  “What happened?  Are you okay?!?”

Sammi (very seriously):  “This is the worst thing that ever happened to me in my whole life!”

Me (very alarmed now):  “What happened?!?”

Sammi:  “I was going potty at school today - and my bum slipped and touched the water!"

Me:  "Uh, that's it?"

Sammi:  "But you don't understand Daddy - MY BUM TOUCHED THE WATER!!!

Me (trying not to smile now):  "Oh no!  I'm so sorry honey. That must've been an awful experience for you."

Sammi:  "Yes it was.  It was sooo gross!!!”

I'm really glad her idea of 'the worst thing ever' and mine are two different things.  I guess it's all perspective...

August 29, 2011

Music Critic

I was listening to the radio this past weekend singing loudly while I cleaned the kitchen.  Sammi came into the room, sat down at the table and watched me for awhile.

Sammi:  "You have a really good voice Daddy."

Me (flattered):  "You think so?"

Sammi:  "Oh yeah.  You have a great voice for talking - just not for singing."

Me:  "Oh..."

Sammi:  "Yeah - I'm sorry, but you are a terrible singer."  She held up her stuffed, pink monkey, "Even my monkey thinks so..."

August 26, 2011

Mr. Mom

Sammi's mom has been gone now for a while.  It has been really hard on Sammi to be without her so I've been trying to pick up the slack as much as I can and try and help make her mom's absence in Sammi's day to day activities go a little smoother.  I've learned how to braid her hair, I've made time to do arts and crafts with her after school, I lay down with her at bedtime and tell her stories, I paint her nails, etc...

Last night while getting her into her pajamas after her bath, Sammi looked up at me and gave me a huge hug.

Sammi (squeezing me tight):  "Thank you Daddy!"

Me (taken aback):  "For what?"

Sammi:  "You make a pretty good Mommy - but you are a great Daddy..."

I know that there will be times as she races towards adolescence that we will butt heads and have our little arguments and fights.  I just hope that during those times when I start to feel unappreciated, that I will remember just how wonderful and 'appreciated' she made me feel with a simple hug and a 'thank you' last night.

August 22, 2011


Sammi (plopping down next to me on the couch):  "Whatchu doing Daddy?"

Me:  "Nothing honey.  I'm just sitting here reading."

Sammi:  "Hmmm..."

Me:  "What?"

Sammi:  "Oh nothing."

Silence for a few minutes.

Sammi:  "Sooo...  You don't have anything else to do?"

Me:  "Nope.  Just taking it easy right now."

Sammi:  "Hmmm..."

Me:  "What?!?"

Sammi:  "Nothing."

More silence.

Sammi:  "So you really don't have anything to do right now?"

Me:  "Well, besides reading this book - no."

Sammi:  "Hmmm..."

Me:  "Alright, what's on your mind Samantha???"

Sammi:  "Well, I know something you could probably be doing right now."

Me:  "What's that?"

Sammi (smiling):  "You could be getting your butt off of the couch and making me some lunch - that's one thing that you could be doing right now..."

August 16, 2011


One day I was driving to the store with my kids in the car.  I was flipping between radio stations trying to find a good song.  One station was playing a song that I liked so I cranked it up and started to sing along.

Son #1:  “What station is this?!?”

Me:  “It’s the Beatles.”

Son #2:  “We know it’s the Beatles.  What station is it?”

Me:  “The ‘oldies’ station.”

Both boys rolled their eyes in unison and started cracking up.

Son #1:  “The oldies station?!?  Oh my God – turn it to something good!”

Son #2 (grabbing his chest and faking a heart attack):  “I can’t take it… Your music sucks so bad – it’s killing me!”

Sammi (chastising her brothers):  “Don’t make fun of Daddy’s music!  He just likes the oldies station because he’s old!  He’s kind of like an ‘oldie’ too.  Aren’t you Daddy?”

Me:  “Um, yeah…”

I looked in the mirror and my boys were both staring at me with big grins on their faces.

Son #1:  “We’re sorry Dad, we forgot how old you are.”

Son #2:  “Yeah, we’re sorry oldie – oops, I mean Daddy.”

August 8, 2011

Girls vs. Boys

Sammi:  “You mean there has never been one lady President?!?”

Me:  “Not yet honey.”

Sammi (outraged):  “That’s stupid!!!”

Me:  “I agree.  Women can do any job that a man can do – just as good.”

Sammi:  “Yeah, and girls are a lot smarter than boys too.”

Me:  “Well…”

Sammi:  “Yes they are!  Listen to this poem, ‘Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.”

Me:  “Well I guess I stand corrected.”

It’s hard to argue with that kind of logic - especially since apparently I fall into the category of people who went to Jupiter to get more stupider... 

August 4, 2011

The "S" Word

Sammi:  “Daddy, Connor called me the ‘S’ word!”

Me (thinking the worst):  “Connor said the ‘S’ word?!?”

Sammi:  “Yeah.  He called me ‘stupid’.”

Me (chuckling):  “Ohhhh… Connor called you ‘stupid’.  That’s not the word I thought you were talking about, but it’s still not very nice honey and I’ll talk to him.”

Sammi started walking away and then turned around smiling:  “You thought I was gonna say ‘sh*t’, didn’t you?”

August 1, 2011


Sammi (Looking at her dinner with disgust):  “I’m not eating no peas!”

Me (Trying to correct her grammar):  “I’m not eating any peas.”

Sammi:  “Me either!”

July 20, 2011

Mmm, Mmm Good!

One night after getting off of work, I was in a real hurry to get home, feed the kids and get Sammi to Girl Scouts on time.  Instead of cooking dinner like I usually do, I opened a can of chicken noodle soup, dumped it into a bowl and heated it up in the microwave for her. 

Sammi (enthusiastically):  “I used to think you were a terrible cook, but that was the best dinner you've ever made!”

July 18, 2011


I was watching a Talent competition on the television with Samantha and her two older brothers one night and a male contestant in drag came on wearing a sequined dress and high heals.  My son’s both started laughing and jeering saying boys shouldn’t dress like girls.  Sammi immediately silenced her brothers.

“You shouldn’t make fun of people just because they are different!” she scolded. “Maybe he just dresses like that because it makes him happy. Besides, I think his dress is beautiful.”

I gave the boys a look to reinforce what Sammi had just said.  Realizing that they were wrong, they both muttered their apologies.

Sometimes even the youngest can teach us a little about tolerance.

July 13, 2011

Happy Birthday

Last year on my birthday, I was in the bathroom shaving and looking in the mirror for new wrinkles and other tell-tale signs that 'Father Time' was catching up with me.  Sammi was sitting on the edge of the tub watching me.

Me:  “Today is my birthday honey.  Do I look like I’m getting old to you?”

She carefully looked me up and down for a few minutes and finally said, “Yes, and you look like you’re getting fatter too...”

July 11, 2011


I was watching TV one night when Sammi cam in the room holding a card game in her hands.

Sammi:  “Let’s play cards Daddy.”

Me:  “Wait until my show ends Honey.  It’s almost over.”

Sammi looked at the television for a minute with a frown on her face.

Sammi:  “I can’t watch this, it’s inappropriate for me.”

Me:  “The show is almost over.  Why don’t you go play for awhile and when it’s over, we will play cards.”

Sammi:  “So you would rather watch a show that is inappropriate than play cards with your only daughter?!?”

I never did find out how that show ended.  I also lost the card game.  :)

July 5, 2011

Bad Luck

Sammi was talking to her brother (Connor) in the backseat of the car.

Sammi:  “Connor, you know you should never open an umbrella in the car because it’s bad luck.”

Connor:  “That’s not true.  It’s an old wives tale.”

Sammi:  “It is too true!  It’s bad luck!”

Connor:  “Okay genius, why is it bad luck to open an umbrella in the car?”

Sammi:  “It’s bad luck because when I did it last week, Daddy yelled at me and told me to put it away.”

June 29, 2011

My Daughter the Comedian

One night, Sammi was taking her nightly bath while I sat in the next room reading.

Sammi (screaming suddenly):  "Daddy!!!  Come quick!"

My heart skipped a beat as I immediately jumped up and ran into the bathroom where I was greeted by my daughter standing in the tub, bending over - showing me her bum.

Me:  "Wha...what happened?!?"

Sammi:  "I fell over and broke my butt.  See?  It's got a crack in it!"  At which point she fell back into the tub with a splash, laughing uncontrollably.

June 27, 2011

The Joke

Sammi (suppressing a giggle):  “Knock, knock.”

Me:  “Who’s there?”

Sammi:  “Butt.”

Me:  “Butt who?”

Sammi:  “Knock, knock.”

Me:  “Uh, who’s there?”

Sammi:  “Butt.”

Me:  “Butt who???”

Sammi:  “Knock, knock.”

Me:  “Who’s there?”

Sammi:  “Butt.”

Me (sighing):  “Butt who?!?”

Sammi:  “Knock, knock.”

Me:  “Alright, I’m getting a little tired of this.  Who is there?”

Sammi:  Orange.”

Me:  “Orange who?”

Sammi:  “Orange you glad I didn't say 'butt' again?”  At which point she ran out of the room giggling hysterically.

I still can't believe that I fell for it...

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